I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
