Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
