saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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