She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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