i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
