I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
