She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just want nice things and good sex
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
