Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
