Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
