There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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