I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
