It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
