Will you blow on my dice?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
