I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
