i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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