So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
