so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
