I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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