Michael Bay diarrhea
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
