If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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