i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
