would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
