as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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