I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
