i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
