i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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