Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
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