my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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