Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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