pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
