i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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