Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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