I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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