I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
