She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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