I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
