He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
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