I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
