I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
