I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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