While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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