it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
