I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
