You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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