My sheets look like a crime scene.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
