I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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