My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
