After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
