Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
