How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize
